Thursday, May 01, 2008

Would you read this book?

Agent kristin Nelson has a series on her blog on writing pitch paragraphs. I've been following along with interest, as distilling 'Heal Thyself' into a few lines has been a challenge. This is my first attempt:

Zev is a desert nomad from fundamentalist Tisreen. Lilliane is a full-guild trained healer of Rimland. More than culture, religion, and politics separate them: according to her guild council, Zev is a criminal.

Duty and honor collide when Lilliane saves Zev's life. He owes her a life-debt that binds him beyond any other vow. She has forged an inadvertent link to him during the healing that forces them to escape Rimland together.

Fleeing their own arrest warrants, they discover an illegal trade selling women into slavery that operates with the tacit approval of both their countries. Their quest to unravel the truth and expose the trade threatens their their lives, the stability of two governments, and the core of their own beliefs about one another.

So, would you pick this book up in a bookstore or set it back on the shelf? And why?


  1. i cannot say i would,, as i am put off immediately by the sci fi aspect of the whole thing... but that is not to say that the book itself will not be well written or the story line perfectly unraveled... if i cant see it in my minds eye,, i cannot read it,, nor watch it on a movie... but that is just me...

    give me trevor and the boys,, and i am there....

  2. Paisley--I very much appreciate your honesty. I probably should have indicated that this *is* a fantasy novel with romance elements.

    My 12 yo son (who I won't let read the manuscript due to theme and story elements that I don't think are appropriate for him) read the pitch and said he'd read it because I wrote it, but not because he thought it was very interesting. LOL. You want brutal honesty, ask a 12 year old.

    As this was a first pass, I will likely revisit it as my understanding of writing these kind of pitches grows.

    Thank you, again.


  3. Overall I really like the premise presented, but the pitch itself is hard to get through on a first read because the sentences are very choppy in the first two paragraphs. I'd suggest combining the second and third sentences in the second paragraph to give it a better overall flow.

    That aside, if this were the blurb on the back of a book, I think I'd be interested enough in the plot and characters to read the first page.

    Good luck with this :)

  4. back again... i still feel i would be so much more drawn to the story if the "human" aspect of their journey was highlighted,, and i had to wait till i read the book to find out all the other worldly things... but you know that is just my opinion... i just loved the way you described it in todays post,, all character and no setting,, it drew me in,,