I am not lazy

 

Nope, the dogs aren't lazy either

 

Some learning comes late. 

Once upon a time, I was a bright, curious child with a brain that wasn't wired along the same neurotypical pathway as most of my age mates. (Though that piece of understanding didn't come until my late 30s) And I got a lot of feedback - some meant kindly, some not so much - that I was lazy. 

 "Needs to apply herself more" was a consistent refrain on my school report cards. 

Another common theme was that I didn't stick with things. My mother always said I was 'jack of all trades, master of none.' 

If you hear those messages repeated often enough, they become internalized. They get validated. And they change how you see yourself as well as your own choices. 

So I learned to view my eclectic interests with suspicion and tried to focus on what a not-lazy person was supposed to be like. (Though I'm still not sure what that really is.)

Never mind that I completed my graduate studies, became a physical therapist, and had a very successful near 25 year practice. 

Never mind that I have written poetry for my entire life, starting in elementary school. 

Never mind that I took up long form writing and have written a dozen novels since 2004. 

Never mind that I started taking pottery lessons 15 years ago and am now the glaze technician for a studio and have my work in a gallery. 

Simply because I have had a hopscotch-like path through various interests makes me somehow suspect. And because along the way, I let other interests go, I must be a quitter. 

My past is littered with exercise equipment that turned into dust-gatherers. With workout memberships unused. Despite the fact that I prescribed exercise programs for hundreds and hundreds of patients over the years, I am shit at following them for myself. Clearly, I must be lazy. 

I am finally ready to tell that internalized voice to shut the hell up.

I am now closer to 59 than 58. Aside from living through a pandemic, the past few years have been rough personally. Between the changes of menopause, a need to be on annual cancer surveillance because of a genetic mutation, a preventative abdominal surgery, a fractured/dislocated shoulder, and a ruptured spine disk, my body has been through a lot. My left arm (broken shoulder) and left leg (S1 radiculopathy) were noticeably weaker than my right and it was interfering in my day to day life. 

A month ago, I remembered that my health insurance partially subsidized zoom based yoga classes. So I actively suppressed the sarcastic mocking from my own brain (lazylazylazy) and signed up.

For the past month, I've made the commitment to classes - 3 a week. For now, I will continue with them. Perhaps at some time, I will do the classes less frequently. Maybe even stop altogether. And you know what? It won't be because I'm a quitter or because I'm lazy. 

Sometime, we need certain activities in our lives because they serve a purpose. And it's okay to let them go if they don't fit, or no longer serve, or you discover something else better. 

So this is my reminder - to myself and to anyone else who needs it: you are not the stories others made for you. And I am not lazy.

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