What a difference a preposition makes

Potatoes. No context for you.

This is the year my youngest son turned 18.

His older brother will be 21 in a few months.

I am now the parent of two adults.

I've been working through this changing relationship with my children for the past few years, since long before my older son turned 18, and I won't lie: it's been a struggle. My mind understands - has understood since I became a parent - that parenting is all about letting go. My heart isn't so easily convinced.

We've gone through some difficult times as a family: loss, disaster, and trauma, and through it all, I have worked hard to support my sons and help them find the strength and resilience they needed. It was simpler when they were small. I knew exactly what my role was. My job was to be responsible for them.

But now that they are adults, that role is different. And I was having trouble articulating that difference. The other day, I 'got' it. And it has to do with prepositions.

My role has shifted from being responsible FOR my children, to being responsible TO them.

And they, in turn, are responsible TO their family.

Such a small difference. For and to are both just prepositions, after all.Yet the shift in meaning is seismic.

I only wish this was easier to put into practice. After 21 years of active parenting - of bandaids and bedtime stories, of hugs and heartaches, this transition isn't easy. But it's necessary. I've understood for some time, that swooping in to rescue your child in every crisis sends the dangerous message that they need to be rescued.

What I am trying to provide for my now grown children, is the confidence and comfort of knowing that we have their back, in the same way we hope they have ours. We can be interdependent, responsible TO one another, without that support threatening anyone's autonomy.  

This year, my older son has faced several difficult situations. As his mom, I wanted to race in and fix it all for him. It physically hurt, not to do so. Letting him know that I trusted him to move through it all was one of the hardest things I've had to do as a parent. And also it was crucial to make sure he understood that his parents were there as resources, should he want or need them.

There is no weakness in seeking help, nor any particular virtue in going it alone, though our culture reinforces both of those things.

There is no weakness in seeking help, nor any particular virtue in going it alone, though our culture reinforces both of those things.

There is no weakness in seeking help, nor any particular virtue in going it alone, though our culture reinforces both of those things. 

Be careful out there, be excellent to one another.