I always take the weather with me

Things ain't cookin' in my kitchen
Strange affliction wash over me
Julius Caesar and the Roman Empire
Couldn't conquer the blue sky 

--Crowded House "Weather with You"

I have a life-long relationship with melancholy. This, despite the fact that I describe myself as a relentless optimist.  You might think these two things are mutually exclusive, and perhaps they should be, but the forces of sadness and hope continually are at war within me.

I am luckier than I have any right to be and still, anywhere I go, I take my own personal weather along with me.  Grey, gloomy skies feel more natural than sunshine. Deep in my soul, I crave the starkness of winter, where other people long for spring.

Ask anyone who knows me--I laugh a lot.  I can find humor in nearly everything in my life.  But underneath the laughter is always background music in a minor key. 

My strange affliction is restlessness.  I have never known how to let my mind settle.

And yet, I am happy.

I write.  People read what I create and respond to it. My family is my home and my haven. They put up with my changeable skies with a flexibility and acceptance that I probably don't deserve. I have two dogs who keep me company no matter my mood.

I think I am beginning to understand how little control I have over most things. Is it strange that I find this comforting?