Feeling at loose ends

The author, cosplaying confidence at the Boskone Book Release Party

 

 

I'm home from Boskone.  

Litany For A Broken World is officially out and will take on a life of its own. There will be people who are moved by it. There will be people who don't enjoy it. And some will actively dislike it. That is the case for every piece of art, literature, music, and craft in existence. 

My job as a creator is to let go of what I have made and move on to the next thing.  If only this was easy.

I am feeling uncertain and restless. To be a creator is to know the curse of dissatisfaction - the more you work in your chosen space, the sharper your critical facilities get and the harder you are on your own output.

The positive aspect of this is it drives you to get better; to avoid complacency. The negative? You get so mired in self-doubt and self-loathing you are sure the work is worse than worthless.

I have been in this place before. I will most assuredly be there again. That is the dubious blessing of having completed the cycle of creative work more than once: it teaches you that it is a cycle. 

What I am feeling now isn't what I will feel forever. If I allow myself to name these emotions and accept them as part of the process, it's easier for me to keep moving forward.  

Today, I added 500 words to book 2 of Entangled Realities. Are they good words? I have no idea. But I showed up to do some work. A little bit of writing and some quick research. It took me several hours to even get that far. I kept working even though I felt like a fraud, or worse, a poser - a writer wanna-be. 

This is my lizard-brain getting mired in fear. 

This is my autonomic nervous system pushing me to fight, flee, or freeze.

But there are other options. 

I can take those emotions and use them as fuel.

May you find your creative rocket-fuel today and in the days that follow. 

 

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Dealing with Vulnerability

The author in her preferred state

So, I have a book out this week. 

Which means I've been talking and writing and otherwise interacting with a whole lot of people in support of the release. And it's exhausting. Not just because I am -- like so many of my fellow authors -- an introvert, but because being noticed means I make myself vulnerable.

I had been prepared for the energy cost of the intense social interactions of back to back appearances: Arisia, a group reading in Brooklyn, Boskone. I had not counted on the deep fear that has come along for the ride. 

Those that know me would never describe me as fearful. I've spent my life advocating and speaking out for what I believe in. If I were to pick a single word to represent my personality, it would probably be determined. (A more polite way to say stubborn, ornery, unyielding...just ask my spouse and my children.)

But fearful? 

Yeah. 

Give me a cause to rally around, and I am all in. Put a bully in front of me? I'm all "you shall not pass". But have me stand up and promote myself? My work? I'd rather face that Balrog.  

Tomorrow, I will be traveling to Boskone in Boston and celebrating the release of LITANY FOR A BROKEN WORLD with my science fiction/fantasy community. I will need to cosplay a confident, functional adult author. All the while, my insides will be squirming and I will have to work to keep my hands from flailing around in distress. (One of the reasons I'm usually knitting at cons.)

If I didn't care so passionately about this story, it would be easy. And while I  know I am not my book and my book is not me, it is still the deepest expression of my innermost self. So, in a way, it represents me. It's important to me and as an artist, I believe the work can't reach its true potential until it's experienced by the reader.  

Truly, most creators I know are -- like me -- balls of anxiety wrapped in a human suit. So if you encounter me at Boskone, please be gentle. Approach as if you were nearing a feral kitten because I will be torn between wanting to flee to hide under a table and needing to be (metaphorically) petted.

 

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Subscribe to BlueMusings and receive my short story collection, STRANGER WORLDS THAN THESE, as my gift.

 

Blue Musings is a low volume e-newsletter containing notifications about book releases, sales, recommendations, and free original short fiction in multiple drm-free formats. Your privacy will always be respected.